Author: Waterfall1

Twas the night before finals and all through the class the stress was spreading an anxiety attack. Not a person could focus, not a one could read, not a topic was learned, but no one dared breathe. The ones who had A’s and the ones who had C’s all panicked alike and we’re hoping for B’s.

This is the craziest things I’ve done in my life, nursing school. Want to know what my role was for mass casualty last semester? It was the crazy person running around distracting others and freaking out. This year my role was transport officer in an outdoor tornado scene.

I barely passed med surg (overall) today and psych is hitting us bright and early, but it’s over more or less. Pass or fail…. either way I will be an RN this year. Crazy

-Crazy

Remember the repeating phases of nursing school? Well we are currently bracing for impact. This Easter break has not been too relaxing, but that’s probably because we are trying to brace for several assignments and major tests. I’m also still working on my last big project, the e-portfolio. My friend helped me knock out my resume and we tried to edit the website page… It’s not that user friendly.

A different friend sent pictures of a campfire and my heart about broke. It must be that I’ve felt so confined lately with winter and school. I am longing for the out doors right now! I was studying pharmacology as we have a comprehensive pharmacology test hitting us this week. We also have the regular endocrine med surg test and 2-3 comprehensive med surg tests. It’s complicated.

My brain and my writing seems a lot more scattered…. 3 more weeks and then I am going to take a serious look at my bucket list.

I talked to my Texas LPN instructor and found out that she actually lives in the same state as I do now which is crazy! Here I was thinking I didn’t want her to come all this way for my graduation, even though I wished she could pin me again. Come to find out she lives in the same state! Wow. She still may not make it to pinning, but that’s ok! I wanted her to know how thankful I am for the solid nursing foundationI learned from her. Lord knows I wouldn’t have made it this far, in this program, without that. We had an awsome LPN year…. It was rough but we had the very best instructor, and the best group of classmates, we could ever ask for!

I am debating putting a link to this on my e-portfolio… I feel like my instructors and classmates will be pouring over it looking for any shred of HIPPA violation, specific incident description, names, places etc… well they aren’t here. I have been very careful in this regard. I admit that originally this was not the most straight forward project, and it was supposed to be multipurpose. One of those purposes was, since I had heard terrible stories about the college etc…, I wanted to document, anonymously, what was going on here. Now that it’s all said and done, I can safely say that I have not personly seen true injustice, or descrimination, and certainly not to myself. The teachers, the director, and the nursing secretary, have all been amazing, knowledgable, and top notch. I should clarify that all of this is apart from the certain rediculous med surg clinical experiences that cause unnecessary and crippling stress…. Clinical is stressful enough without extra high expectations put on non-real- life-experience barely even nurses.

The bottom two images seem relevant and like they go together in a strange way…. We recently have been watching the backlash from nurses, and health care professionals, to a statement a senator made about nurses essentially being lazy and “playing cards.” What a joke. Most nurses don’t have cushy laid back jobs, and even if they do, those can get crazy busy as well.

Everything in balance people…

-Balance People

These last 2 weeks have held, arguably, the low of this semester. I had so much stress and anxiety over all the projects and assignments and tests hitting me early in the week. Our psych instructor did help ease my mind and she said go for good not perfect …” Perfection is the evil of good.” That can definitely be true!

I still had to leave the apartment and go for a drive on Sat night. I had to get out. It’s still cold in the middle of April here, but I thought I’d walk around the mall. They close before 630pm on a Saturday night apparently, so I had to literally walk around, the outside, of the mall. It didn’t help the anxiety much but I tried.

I spend most of my time at the library, when it’s open, and I only go back to the apartment after that. I am super grateful for my two friends who are also always there and try to keep me focused while also making these school days so much more fun. We laugh and get after each other. That’s the part I’m going to miss about these days the most.

I am also thankful for the awsome experiences in our psych clinical rotation. We have seen home visits, in-patient psych treatment, and we have also dived into substance abuse/recovery. For my half of the class, med surg rotations were good this semester too…. But I don’t belong in the hospital setting. Not unless it is on a specialty unit….

I am going to apply for a PTK scholarship, and if I get it I will apply to Chamberlain (an online college) to work on my BSN. I hate papers and discussion posts but that’s what’s going to be up…. I’m conflicted a bit so I’m leaving it to ride on that scholarship. Do I want to do it at some point? Yes. But, I can’t do it at this moment without some kind of financial help. I don’t want more debt.

My e-portfolio is next on the agenda. One of the last big projects I have to do. After that it’s pretty much test after test, mass casualty, then test after test. Pinning May 8th! This is pretty wild I must say!

I finally got up the nerve to ask an instructor if they had Indian blood in them. The class thought it was hilarious. I didn’t actually mean it to be a joke or disrespectful. I have been wondering if he was of Indian decent for a while and I don’t view that as a bad thing, just a possible fact.

No one else in the class seems to keen on leaving their mark in history or being known but I kinda am. I would have liked a picture collage and I would have liked to be on the wall at the college for graduated nurses. It doesn’t look like the class is interested in either so oh well. I definitely miss the southern mindset…. That southern hospitality, hard to offend, laid back, all is well and if it aint I’ma shoot you way. There are so many go big or go home all Americans down there. Sometimes my southern drawl still creeps out. There’s a good chance I’ll be getting my main RN experience in the south, and there’s a good chance I’ll end up in psychiatric care.

-Psychiatric care

Its almost the end of the year and I want to acknowledge that I absolutely adore my fellow classmates and that I think extremely highly of each and every most of them. 2 semesters ago I was concerned I would never even like some of them, but they have all shown themselves to be outstanding individuals. I am so happy that they are finishing up with their RN year! They are amazing nurses already.

Chapter endings are often bittersweet. Some of us do have that mind set that the rest of the class will be graduating without us, because we feel like we can’t dare hope that we will truly be finished with this madness. I absolutely believe we are all walking. Even though I myself barely have a 75% in Med Surg right now, I believe I’m getting pinned… I just can’t see it any other way.

In the next 5 days I have 2 Med Surg quizzes, 2 Med Surg tests, 2 discussion posts, review questions to submit, 1 psych concept map, 1 database, 1 PowerPoint, 1 presentation, 3-4 practice assessments…. I may have covered the main things there. So I’m going to hold my breath until spring break. 7 days from now all of this and more will be done and I’ll be focusing on finals.

I wish I could address the insanity of unrealistic, vague, yet stringent, genus IQ expectations certain male clinical instructors expect on the floor, but I just don’t have the energy right here and now. All I know is that it is infuriating. The amount of unnecessary stress put on students is ridiculous and so contradicting to a good learning environment. The expected level of perfection from students is above par for an oriented floor nurse. That is not a joke. It takes a MONTH of orientation at the hospital to be deemed competent enough to run a team and be the main nurse for 5 patients, and that is without school assignments, like concept map info gathering, and attempted memorization of every chart detail, as well as the stress of instructor oversight. I really have no idea why nurses have to be oriented at all because I’m positive that after watching a few u-tube videos and skipping through a few PowerPoint’s we should be experts in the field of nursing.

My personal belief is that you don’t fully reach “RN level” until you’ve practiced your practice as an RN.

– Practice as an RN

I recently shared the address of this blog with a few class mates. I also invited a couple class mates to be guest bloggers and write their thoughts and perspectives. It is different knowing someone might actually read this now…

We started Psych clinicals and so far it has been a good experience. I spent the entire last week emersed in substance abuse which was pretty awesome. We had a speaker Monday and I went to the in-patient substance abuse recovery program Tues and Wed. I found I have a big heart for addicts and I may work with them one day.

I’m pretty stressed right now knowing that I am riding that 75 line in med surg and med surg lab. Also knowing we have big projects coming up due and it feels like they are all smashed together. I told my work and family they won’t see me for the next 2 weeks; and they won’t. I can’t decide if my personal/social life dynamics are more of a help or a hindrance. Either way I’m not capable of completely focusing at this point in time.

It’s not a secret, anymore, so I don’t mind clarifying that last semester, during med surg clinicals, I realized I was truly suicidal. Everyone thought I was joking when I said I wanted to jump off the balcony one day but, really, I was going to jump off the balcony. Fast forward to this semester I am mentally stronger; not great but good enough. I am no longer suicidal and the postpartum depression has pretty much run its course (It can linger for up to 2 years).

All of that being said I still don’t have the motivation or drive I once possessed. The desire to finish this is purely a mental craving to be done with this maddening journey. It has nothing to do with wanting to be a nurse. I am a nurse already, and I came back to advance my degree. I still laugh thinking about how they want LPNs to walk off the street and automatically be RN level everything, even before they review ANYTHING or teach us ANYTHING. Oh I did forget we were supposed to watch 15 minute you tube videos (where we watch every glove change) to review all our skills. After that we are ready to roll so where is my license? This has been so different from my LPN experience.

I forgot to mention that in our med surg lab we went over mock codes and I got to simulate being in charge of one. I liked it. If I knew what I was doing a little more I could see myself being a very good and calm supervisor, I just need a little more knowledge… Yesterday my son picked up a rock and held it during our family car ride. I gave him some juice and when I heard coughing I thought it was from his juice. I looked back to see he wasn’t breathing at all. I immediately knew that rock was lodged in his throat, but I didn’t panic. I communicated what was going on and that we needed to pull over. I had all the things I was planning to do running through my mind. Calm level and headed. The driver was not as calm but they have no medical training. Before I could get out of the car my son was able to spit the rock out on his own. Note to self dont let children keep semi small rocks.

This next week I’m looking at a quiz Monday in med surg, a long Tues and Wed on the psych unit at the hospital, a psych quiz on Thursday, and a paper and powePowerP I need done by then. This is not including all the small assignments due every week, but I think I’ll survive.

-I’ll survive

In 6 weeks, assuming we pass every class, we graduate RN school.

WILD

My discussion post on words of wisdom for the upcoming students is: “I know it seems impossible, but enjoy the school experience. It is a time to learn without the added weight of being a patients primary nursing care. (A certain person) is an awesome and knowledgeable instructor so relax, utilize this opportunity, ask questions, work hard, make lists to remember deadlines, and always put your patients first. Don’t let yourself feel overwhelmed with stress and anxiety. Breathe in breathe out. Work on your weakest areas. Be honest with yourself, analyze your own intentions, and confront your biases. Use your class mates and help your class mates. It’s true that nursing students get through school easier as a herd than as a lone ranger. Talk to the instructors if your grades are low and follow their recommendations. When you’re home, spend those few extra minutes with your family and take time for yourself. It will go by fast so just hang on. You got this!”

This last week many class mates were sick and ended up missing class and clinical. It’s a weird cold/flu hybrid that peaks on day 2 and dissipates, almost completely, by day 3. I missed Tuesdays clinicals because I felt AWFUL. Woke up at 3am, couldn’t breathe, and was nauseated among other symptoms. I can’t go work in the emergency room like that. I will probably barely pass my clinicals because of that and the fact I missed 2 follow up discussion posts; however, I don’t care at this moment, as long as I passed! I assume I did though, and that, means no more Med Surg Clinicals Ever!!!!!! What????! This is so damn cool. I feel like I’ve arrived already. I will have to work my ass off for psych clinicals the next 5 weeks and then finals rolling into us after that, but it’s doable. I just have to stay off the Zoloft, which makes it hard for me to focus. This is crazy. ONE. day. AT. a. TIME!! The college is trying to talk our class into planning the beginning of our bachelors degree already…. I just want to get through this and then we can talk….. The end is near.

-The end is near

Monday March 18th 2019: at the college before the sun (almost). Working on the paper. I turned it in a few minutes before psych class. At least this is just the rough draft. My “plans” on Acute Myeloid Leukemia are not very measurable or specific and I only had 5 plans instead of 6. The paper is already 11 pages long I mean damn. I felt bad for a class mate who forgot the paper was due yesterday so he only had last night after class… I should have reminded him. I just thought everyone had been stressing about this from day 1… So I went to class and we did a case study. Then med surg class right after and took a short quiz with 14 questions. I only missed 1 question so it brought my grade up to a 79% from a 76% and I was happy. Thank you Lord!!

Twenty minutes to scarf down some grilled tuna in the lunch room with a stressed class mate and we were off to our extended class today where we learned nothing of much value. The instructor talks for a minute on his soap box and clicks through the PowerPoint saying “yep covered it, you know that, got it, you can read all this, yep, you’re adult learners, and yep done.” I mean sure that makes for an easy class but the tests roll around and it feels like all the “adult learning” we did on our own didn’t help us that damn much. I think I’ll be making a meeting with him to discuss what will not waste my time to study… But he’ll say everything and that will waste my time.

I’m writing this at 0437 Tuesday morning. I’m supposed to be in clinicals at 7 in the ER but I feel like crap. The kids were sick this weekend and I have it now. I could power through it but I don’t want to be miserable or make my patients uncomfortable cause I sound sick and would be wearing a mask. I had bought several cold and flu meds at Walmart last night along with vitamin c and epsom salts but it didn’t help at all. I’m so much worse… even sleep. I am needing today to stay home, get better, and work on stuff from here. Although I did forget to pay the internet bill and I might have to wade out into the jungle today to get that turned back on…

I bought cookies for my hospital appartment and everything. Maybe a class mate will come pick them up. Tomorrow is evaluations andawe are done with med surg! Im currently thinking about making a microwavable dinner I wouldn’t be able to taste at 0447 this morning. Pure stress eating I’m sure.

-Stress eating I’m sure

I’ve been stressing about this med surg paper all week. I’ve spent many hours sitting and reading about Acute Myeloid Leukemia mentally blocked and distracted. This disease took my dad so you think it would be easier to write about. I’m over it honestly… I’m just going to turn it in and get the grade I do. Hell of a spring break. Working and stressing about this with the family being sick. I’m over it all. Pass or fail I just want May 10th to be here…

At least my friends keep me going…. I have a couple awsome ladies in my class, and 1 awsome LPN student friend, but the friends who I work beside every day are 1 semester behind. These guys and I are always at the library with me now days and it keeps me moving forward even if it is at snail speeds. I’m so scared of failure right now. I really am. I don’t feel like I have any strength to carry on. Everyone says “oh you’ll pass.” Will I???? Are you sure?

-Are you sure?

If you are looking for the Capstone/NCLEX ordeal skip down to *****

This week I did better working with my nurses. I communicated well and got tasks accomplished. I followed one nurse who had a very loud personality. I had to tell her, honestly, that her awesome personality was making it hard for me to take charge of patient care alongside of her and to be assertive. She could see where that could be true. She has her way of doing things and she has an awesome rapport with her patients. She walked right in that morning, knowing them from yesterday, and was firing away with the day’s plans. As the dust would settle they would look at me and say who are you? Of course this made me feel awful for not introducing myself… but looking back at it, there’s not a ton I would change. I try not to interrupt the nurse I’m following.

      One of my weaknesses has been showing up more and more. I have never been a systematic person, and while this may be ok for certain things it is definitely getting in my way because I do get frustrated at myself and apparently other people can tell. This is not ok. Today I have decided this issue must be addressed. I don’t have to get “flustered”. What does that actually do to address the issue though. Any thoughts on how you change a very core personality trait? Disorganization, and repeating steps is something I usually cope with very well and it doesn’t bother me, as long as no one notices and it has no other major effect/harm. It can cause serious problems though and I have to work on it.

    An challenge I faced was to not be helping patients endlessly. I eventually ended up asking the care assistants to help with time consuming basic care needs. No one likes a student to ask them to do something. Patient needs are put first before other tasks/learning etc, but there’s a lot of patient needs and the entire care team has to work together to promptly address those. Sometimes the more you do to help, the more people will let you do. We are walking into the RN role and have to start thinking like one.

  ***** 3/8/19 I had a conversation with my instructor about how I have made mistakes on assignments, the last 2 weeks, and how I have not completed what I need to in the correct time frame etc… We have just switched over to a new system of NCLEX review modules and have an online instructor. Here is what I sent to my instructor who basically just “proctors” this class right now. “After discussing capstone in more depth with other classmates I have come to the realization that not everyone is on the same page, that capstone is not user friendly, and that the calendar is confusing (not just for me). I have emailed the instructor, as you know, and have not gotten helpful replies, so I will be in closer contact with my class. Yesterday half of the class thought the pharm 2 assessment was due because the calendar has pharm 2 assessment listed for March 7th; the other half of the class is still “positive” that this assessment is due Sunday because on calendar the exact wording under march 7th is “Take Pharmacology 2 assessment due by Sunday midnight”. Why do they even place it on Thursday if it’s due Sunday? It really doesn’t matter in the long run as long as I pass, but it is very frustrating to me. I am also trying to figure out who the other student is that is in danger in capstone, but I hope you were informed that Carol dropped. Was it her?  Thanks -signed me

These last few weeks have been extremely tough on me. After the death of a dear friend, my room mate dropping out of school, and making a couple bad decisions, I have emerged into spring break breathless, barely passing, and scythed. I have been told if I don’t catch-up and keep-up with my class in Capstone I will fail. Read the post above this one for more details. I need to back-track here.

The following are a couple of my discussion posts from clinicals (with some parts edited of course). 2/9/19 When we were watching a chemical code for SVT The nurse shift manager came in and was overseeing everything to be sure it was being done correctly. She even questioned the Doctor on his use of medication. I think that would be so awesome to know that much, and have that presence, and be respected as an authority to go so far as to question the Doctor in a code. That part was very interesting. I think all of those nurses present in that moment knew what they were doing, how to do it, and how to be calm of mind no matter what.

One of my patients was in pain due to a multitude of factors.  The nurse checked his pain medications and he couldn’t have more medication for an hour or so. She told him she’d be back in an hour to give him the medicine. It bothered me that this patient had uncontrolled pain and we were not going to sufficiently alleviate it in any way. I tried to help him reposition and he thanked me for trying something…… for trying something. This week I came to the tangible realization that, at the very least, we should TRY something to help our patients when they have a need. The psycho-social and physiological aspects of this interaction are irrelevant to this point. Doing nothing to meet a patients needs is just not an acceptable option.

This week seemed to be more challenging for me than usual. First of all we have to get up before the sun and my brain does not appreciate that. Secondly I have not been as clear minded this week. All of that aside both clinical days pushed me up against ethical and professional boundaries, provided many learning opportunities, and brought to light many personal strengths and weaknesses. The first day I was in the ICU and I learned a lot. I got to watch an extubation and listen to the mother who had no right to know what was going on with the patient. I had to be careful of what I said d/t our location and HIPPA. I did portray more uncertainty in my student role and lower confidence than I would have liked to this week. I also did not do a very good job of communicating what was going on with me to  my nurse on day and I didn’t even realize it until the end of the shift. I feel like I’m usually better at communication and multitasking than I was this Wednesday. I also do usually jump right in and portray more confidence than I did this week. I am still finding that balance.

Besides an extubation, this week I was able to watch a thoracentesis. The instructor helped me realize that, until now, I have been trying to meld head-to-toe assessments and body systems together when I’m documenting. I have wondered why it was so hard to document in a systematic way….

This week I was also able to comfort someone whose loved one passed away a few minutes after I had left the room. I had spoken with the patient moments earlier and tried to give her a few words of peace and comfort. She smiled a faint smile, so I knew she had heard. We are in a crazy field where you can walk from one room to the next and experience immense joy and then intense sadness. We hold peoples hands at some of the most pivotal moments in their lives and our own struggles are constantly suppressed. Nursing is not for the faint of heart.

-Faint of heart